Navigating Sensitivity: Unveiling the Most Detrimental Remarks for People-Pleasers - Words That Leave a Lasting Impact

Understanding the perspective of a people-pleaser is the most effective approach to satisfying them. The inclination of people-pleasers to prioritize others' desires over their own often originates from their childhood. Initially, a child learns the art of people-pleasing by catering to the needs of their parents.

"A people-pleaser needs to recognize the importance of self-care without feeling selfish or guilty," said Imi Lo, a therapist and owner of Eggshell Therapy

Imi Lo, a therapist and proprietor of Eggshell Therapy, explains, "During their formative years, individuals of this nature likely received validation and approval when meeting their parent's needs, establishing a connection between self-worth and fulfilling external expectations."

In adulthood, the objective for people-pleasers should involve dismantling learned behaviors and transitioning toward self-compassion, a challenging task. Lo notes, "It's a process of breaking free from the conditioning that shaped their tendencies," emphasizing the importance of recognizing self-care without harboring feelings of selfishness or guilt.

For those associated with a people-pleaser, such as friends, partners, or colleagues, offering support involves avoiding situations that compel them to neglect their own needs or desires. To assist in this, therapists, including Lo, suggest refraining from making certain casual statements and requests.

‘Come on, just do it!’

Saying no proves to be a considerable challenge for people-pleasers in general, making it essential not to pressure or guilt them into activities or decisions. If a people-pleaser declines participation in an event, like a birthday trip, it's crucial not to persistently nag them until they relent, as the act of saying no likely posed a significant challenge for them.

Oftentimes people think saying no means you have to be harsh, but you can tactfully say "Thanks but no thanks," too

To assist people-pleasers in fostering self-honor, Lia Huynh, a marriage and family therapist in Milpitas, California, recommends allowing them to make their own decisions and respecting those choices. Huynh advises her eager-to-please clients to pause and reflect on their genuine desires before succumbing to external pressures.

She suggests asking oneself, "Do I genuinely want to do this, or am I simply getting swept up in what others believe is best for me?" Expressing one's refusal can be done without being harsh; a simple statement like "I'd love to go, but I just can't. Thanks for asking, though!" or "That's a great idea, but I'm going to pass this time" effectively communicates personal preferences without putting the other person down, according to Huynh.

‘I love you, but you’re being a doormat’

Avoid resorting to the "tough-love" approach by labeling the people-pleaser in your life as a doormat. According to Joel Frank, the founder and lead psychologist at Duality Psychological Services in Sherman Oaks, California, using this term can be particularly hurtful, implying that the accommodating nature of a people-pleaser signifies weakness or a lack of self-respect.

If you find yourself being called a "doormat," Joel Frank advises acknowledging the comment without internalizing it. Instead, reflect on your behavior and identify areas where you can assert yourself more. Importantly, resist letting the term "doormat" define your self-worth. Respond by explaining your commitment to setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care.

If the comment is genuinely upsetting, Joel Frank suggests a more assertive response. Communicate to your friend, "Yes, I choose to be kind and helpful, but that's kind of harsh. I have boundaries, and I'd appreciate it if you acknowledge them."

‘You didn’t have to do that’

Suppose the people-pleaser in your life went the extra mile to celebrate your new job, treating you to a lavish dinner at a sought-after restaurant and even presenting you with a thoughtful gift, despite financial constraints.

“One thing people-pleasers need to work on is tolerating when someone is not happy with them," marriage and family therapist Lia Huynh said. "This feeling can turn into rejection and then self-loathing

In such a situation, expressing, "You did way too much," while understandable, can inadvertently diminish what the people-pleaser perceives as genuine efforts, according to Ashley McGirt, a psychotherapist in the Pacific Northwest.

A more constructive approach involves reassuring them that their actions are genuinely appreciated, while emphasizing that they are not obligated to go above and beyond. McGirt suggests conveying, "I want you to know that I value your kindness, and it's perfectly okay if you don't feel the need to do things like this every time!"

Furthermore, McGirt recommends that people-pleasers reflect on why they consistently go to great lengths to accommodate or spoil others. Keeping a journal and assessing the motivations behind such actions can be beneficial. Questions to explore may include: Was it something you genuinely wanted to do? Did you believe it was what the person expected from you? Were you seeking feelings of love or appreciation through your actions? Understanding past experiences associated with these behaviors can provide valuable insights.

‘I really expected better of you’

According to Sean Davis, the founder of The Davis Group Counseling and Wellness Services, a people-pleaser often believes that their true worth is validated only through demonstrative actions. When someone asserts they have failed, it not only evaluates their behavior but also appraises their sense of lovability.

If a people-pleaser went above and beyond for you, let them know that you appreciate the efforts but you'd be just as happy with less

Initiating change proves challenging, particularly when those around you have grown accustomed to your prioritizing their needs over your own, notes Davis. In the face of negative reactions to your boundaries or behavioral shifts, it's crucial to recognize that another person's disappointment may not necessarily be a reflection of your actions.

Davis advises reminding yourself that the other person's response might be their own issue. Even if the feedback is valid, view it as an evaluation of your behavior rather than an assessment of your inherent worth. If someone intends it as a judgment of your worth, setting firm boundaries against such shaming statements is warranted.

Building resilience in the face of others' anger involves altering thought patterns and self-talk. Simply because someone is angry doesn't necessarily mean they are correct or that their anger is related to you. Davis suggests considering external factors like a bad day or, even if your actions triggered the anger, recognizing that their emotional display is more a reflection of their own regulation skills than an indictment of your worth.

‘You know, so-and-so won’t be happy about that’

It's likely that a people-pleaser has already considered how others will perceive any decision they make, so there's no need to exacerbate the situation with additional peer pressure, advises Huynh.

When faced with potential disapproval, Huynh suggests evaluating whether it's reasonable for the person in question to be unhappy with your choice. If their dissatisfaction is reasonable, then considering a course correction might be fair. However, she points out that sometimes people disapprove of decisions based on their own agenda or preferences.

Huynh emphasizes the need for people-pleasers to develop tolerance for the discomfort that arises when someone is unhappy with them. This discomfort can evolve into feelings of rejection and self-loathing, leading to negative thoughts such as "so-and-so is not happy with me," which may escalate to "I am a horrible person."

To counteract this internal dialogue, Huynh recommends adopting a more positive self-talk approach. Instead of succumbing to self-loathing, one can say to oneself, "So-and-so is not happy with me, and that's OK. I am still a good person worthy of love."