For every enchanting, sparks-fly
first date, there are likely several (or more!) that you'd happily erase from
memory.
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| We asked people to share their worst first date stories |
However, when it comes to hearing
about other people's dating experiences, those disastrous dates become
infinitely more entertaining. With that in mind, we asked comedians and other
humorous individuals to recount the one thing someone said or did on a first
date that immediately nixed any chance of a second date. Here's what they had
to share:
Responses have been edited slightly for clarity and length.
The one with the garbage
intellectual
"Halfway through a date, he
turned to me and said, 'I hope you know that this is more of a meeting of the
minds' and proceeded to let me know I could order anything from the Happy Hour
menu. After he left, the bar owner came over and told me he heard the whole
thing about 'meeting of the minds' and told me to call up two friends and he
would pick up our tab for the rest of the night. So it ended up being a pretty
great date... without my date!"
— Yue Xu, co-host and creator of the podcast "Dateable"
The one with the spitball
"A man coughed sputum into his
hand, showed it to me, like a yellow oyster, and licked it off. In retrospect,
I should have left then, but I was frozen like a deer in headlights with the
power of the literal ick."
— Virginia Jones, comedian and host of the podcast "My Sister's A Therapist"
The one with the woobie
Never date a man with woobie issues
"Ron picked me up at my house
in his Jeep. As I hopped in his car, I noticed something light green and fuzzy
in the back seat. I knew he had kids so I asked innocently, 'Is that your
child's baby blanket?' He replied matter of factly, 'No, that's my woobie.'
Looking for clarification, I repeated, 'You mean that's your daughter's
woobie?' He got indignant and said, 'No, she has her own woobie ― that's mine!'
I wanted to tell him to turn around and take me home but I reluctantly went
along on the date."
— KarenLee Poter, co-host of the podcast "Sex Talk With My Mom"
The one with the racist
"She said the n-word."
— Simon Fraser, stand-up comedian
The one with the attempted murderer
"I was once on a date with a
girl that was initially going well until about halfway through the date, when
she began to mention her ex and how much we looked alike. She kept asking if I
had a brother (which I do) and then proceeded to show me pictures of said ex so
that I could agree I looked like him? (I did not think we did!) That wasn't
even the final straw. She went on to tell me how he cheated on her and treated
her badly while casually dropping the line, 'I tried to kill him once… he is
lucky he got out of that one' with a straight face, no hints of sarcasm. I
immediately got up and left after that."
— Benny Nwokeabia, writer and stand-up comedian
The one with the mom
"Once a girl's mom showed up
in the middle of the date. They both talked about a wedding they had to go to,
ordered food, ate and left together."
— Mohtasham Yaqub, stand-up
comedian
The one with the calves aficionado
"I went on a first date with a
man who explained what was wrong with each of the last eight women he'd gone on
first dates with. For one, it was her calves. The whole premise of his
explanation was bad, but that one was definitely a deal breaker. He also tried
to be relatable about it, but I could not. I don't even really see men's calves
before we have sex and I'd like to keep it that way."
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| Please don't be weird about womens' calves |
— Ginny Hogan, stand-up comedian and author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans: And Other Romantic Observations"
The one with the man who loves mess
"Within the first 10 minutes,
my date said, 'I have a restraining order against my ex-wife, but she's still
my best friend and the love of my life.' That just sounded like he was already
in several complicated relationships, and that I should go. But, it was my
first time going to eat at Lemonade, and I enjoyed that!"
— Jones
The one with the private
investigator
"I gave my cell number to a
guy at the end of our first date. He called later that evening to tell me he'd
done a little research and found out that I was married, mentioned my
'husband's' name and called me a liar and a cheat. The name was my dad's. We were
on a family share plan. Needless to say, there wasn't a second date."
— Janet Quinonez, screenwriter and comedy producer
The one with the short man complex
"Tall women are truly
subjected to the worst pick-up lines. Being 6'0", I'm always on edge on dates
because I'm just waiting for the moment where someone comments on my height in
a way that makes me want to evaporate. One time, I was on a date and before the
appetizers even came out, he said, 'You may be 6'0 standing up, but I'm 6'0
laying down.' I immediately said, 'Check please!'"
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| deally, don't bring your mom on your first date |
— Jasmine Burton, lawyer and stand-up comedian
The one with the orgasm king
"I was running late for the date, so I texted him to inform him. He kindly offered to buy me a drink. Upon arrival, I was greeted by a conventionally attractive man in finance, who was about 10 years older than me, holding a salted rim, spicy margarita. We clinked glasses and locked eyes as we took our first sip. Just as the liquid was about to touch my lips, he loudly exclaimed, 'I can make any woman orgasm.' No casual inquiries about my day or favorite movie; he went straight to the topic of orgasms.
I closed my eyes, moved the drink
away, and calmly asked, 'Okay, curious, what's your technique?' He mentioned
that he always uses a Magic Wand. I set my drink down and explained that he
wasn't responsible for the orgasms; the credit belonged to the toy. I suggested
that some light conversation would have been a smoother way to start. Then, I
politely excused myself from the date and avoided future dates with him for
many months, because, as he put it, all we needed was a little magic."
- Mara Marek, a comedian and the
host of the podcast "It's A Maravelous Life"
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