As our children grow, they learn
fundamental lessons in morality and ethics from us, their parents. We instill values
by not only instructing them on what is right and wrong but, more
significantly, through our own actions. The way they witness us treating others
often shapes how they interact with people in their own lives.
However, as kids transition to
school and spend less time under direct parental supervision, the influence of
their peers becomes more pronounced. The thoughts and opinions of friends
increasingly impact their behavior as they move toward adolescence.
While this shift is a normal part
of development, it can pose challenges for parents in defining their role. What
steps should be taken if a particular peer seems to be exerting a negative
influence? How can parents address this with their children, respecting their
independence and encouraging problem-solving skills?
In addressing these concerns, two experts offer valuable tips for parents navigating such situations.
Be vigilant for any alterations in your child's behavior
Even if your child doesn't share
every detail of their day, as a parent, you have an intuitive understanding of
them. If you sense that something is amiss, it's essential to take note.
Pediatric psychologist Ann-Louise
Lockhart advised, You might observe alterations in your child's attitude,
behavior, or personality. Changes in their approach to school, grades,
academics, and future goals may also become apparent. Their appearance,
interests, or hobbies could be affected, and they may exhibit less enthusiasm
for previous friendships while displaying negativity around friends and family.
It's important to recognize that fluctuations in your child's friendships are natural, and it's neither possible nor advisable to monitor every minor change. Allowing your child the opportunity to learn how to handle conflicts and navigate shifts in their peer relationships is crucial.
Friendships are dynamic, and while
there may be rocky days, things can improve on other days, explained Aliza Pressman,
a psychologist and the author of The 5 Principles of Parenting.
Pressman added, If we focus on
daily changes, it could become unsustainable and potentially intrusive.
However, if you observe shifts in
your child's mood or behavior specifically around one friend, it warrants
further consideration.
While the concept of a friend's
negative influence often centers on substance abuse, there are other ways in
which children can impact each other negatively.
Some other negative influences
include the way they speak to adults in their lives (teachers, parents,
grandparents, coaches), as well as peers and siblings, noted Ann-Louise Lockhart,
a pediatric psychologist. This can involve making more negative, insulting, or
judgmental statements. It can include making fun of other people's appearance
or trying to shame or embarrass them in front of others.
These changes merit attention, but initiating a conversation by directly stating that you believe a friend is a negative influence should be approached carefully.
Commence by being attentive
To better comprehend the situation,
it's crucial to listen attentively to what your child shares about their
friendship without passing judgment. They might require you to serve as a
sounding board rather than offering immediate advice.
Lean towards providing a silent
space for your child to talk to you, and refrain from asking questions until
you can genuinely appear agenda-free, advised Pressman.
Most of the time, school-aged kids,
and certainly middle school and older kids, do not need us to intervene unless
they are being bullied or bullying someone, she added.
Pressman also recommended that
parents directly ask, Do you think you want me to help out with this, or do you
feel like you want to vent to me but not have me say anything?
Kids often find solutions on their own, and sometimes, gentle encouragement and active listening from you may be all they need to navigate the situation.
Craft statements based on observations
Avoid passing judgment when describing
your child's friend; focus on stating the observed facts instead. Share your
observations about your child's behavior and changes you've noticed. For
example, you might say, I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time with X.
I'm concerned about how you seem to have changed since you've been spending
more time together. You spend more time in your room, exclude your sister from
activities you used to enjoy together, and your grades have dropped.
By refraining from expressing your own judgment, you provide your child with an opportunity to respond without becoming defensive about their actions or their friend. This approach enhances the likelihood that they will view the situation from a different perspective after your conversation.
Pose inquisitive inquiries
Put aside your own opinions and
convey openness to adjusting your perspective based on your child's input.
Instead of lecturing and sounding judgmental, try asking curious questions and
making neutral observations, advised Pressman. A helpful approach is to initiate
phrases with I wonder. For instance, Pressman suggested saying, I wonder how
you are feeling about Sally. I noticed you both have been bickering a lot
lately. Phrasing observations in this manner allows children to reflect on
their feelings and collaborate on solutions.
Lockhart stressed the importance of
understanding what your child gains from the friendship. Discover why your
child likes this friend and look for recurring themes, such as feeling
included, accepted, noticed, or popular. Obtain this information to better
support your child in problem-solving. Basic questions about the friendship's
dynamics, like What do you like about your friend? What do you have in common?
What do you enjoy doing together? can offer insights.
After discussing concerns about your child's changed mood or behavior, step back and let them take the lead in deciding the next steps. This provides an opportunity for your child to develop critical thinking, good judgment, and decision-making skills. Although it may be challenging for parents to witness their child's struggles, it is a crucial life skill. Lockhart recommended offering support without prescribing solutions, saying something like, This friendship seems very important to you. I've shared my thoughts, and I encourage you to evaluate the pros and cons. I'm here to support you through it. I'm here for you.
Refrain from criticizing other children or their parents
Resist the temptation to express
judgmental remarks about another child or their parent. Keep such thoughts to
yourself or share them with a therapist or a trusted friend if necessary.
According to Lockhart, it's
impossible to fully comprehend the complete story behind any other child or
parent.
Instead of passing judgment, she
recommended empathizing with others, recognizing the various life circumstances
that may influence them, and staying focused on your own path.
Direct your attention towards supporting your own child as they navigate the situation.
Act promptly when necessary; don't hesitate to take action
If you suspect that your child
might be experiencing bullying or engaging in bullying behavior, it is crucial
to take action without hesitation.
Pressman advises intervention when
someone in a socially powerful position consistently and intentionally inflicts
cruelty, involving others. Taking action may include reaching out to another
child's parents, or seeking assistance from a teacher, school counselor, or
coach to address the situation.
You can sense the severity of the
situation when you feel like you are losing your child, as explained by
Lockhart. In such circumstances, frame your actions as a means to protect your
child rather than prohibiting a friendship.
Express the sentiment that your child
is too important to risk being negatively impacted by an unhealthy friendship.
According to Lockhart, the true message is not that you are ruining their life
by intervening, but rather that you care and love them too much to witness any
detrimental effects on their well-being.
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