Parenting Pitfalls: 6 Habits to Steer Clear of if You Want to Avoid Spoiling Your Kids - Tips for Nurturing Responsible and Appreciative Children

Parents often don't intend to raise spoiled children, but it's easy to fall into habits of doing everything for them, especially when they're young and dependent. As kids grow, it's important to encourage them to do more for themselves and not expect to be catered to.

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Some people don't like labeling children as "spoiled," as it's the behavior, not the child, that's the issue. Children learn their behaviors, and it's essential to focus on guiding them positively.

It's not beneficial for children to always get what they want. Being "spoiled" often implies having privileges without earning them or taking them for granted, along with a lack of empathy.

Parents aim to raise children who can interact well with others, share, respect adults, understand consequences, and not expect to always get their way. To promote these positive traits over "spoiled" behaviors, experts suggest avoiding certain habits.

1. Making excuses or apologizing on behalf of children

As children grow older, it's important for parents to hold them accountable for their behavior, even on tough days. Making excuses for unkind behavior or apologizing on their behalf isn't helpful.

Instead, parents can have a private conversation with their child, asking if they think their actions were acceptable and how it might have made the other person feel. This approach can lead to a more genuine apology from the child.

2. Failing to enforce boundaries or limits

Parents often give in to their children's demands because it's easier than dealing with a potential tantrum. However, while giving in may seem like a quick fix, it can lead to long-term negative consequences for the child, such as poor impulse control and dysfunction.

Consistency is crucial when setting boundaries. If you establish a rule, such as turning off the iPad when the timer goes off, stick to it every time. Inconsistency will only confuse children and make them less likely to respect the boundaries you set.

It's important to acknowledge your child's feelings about the boundary while still enforcing it. For example, you can say, "I understand you're upset about turning off the iPad," without giving in to their demands. This helps them understand that while their feelings are valid, they still need to adhere to the rules.

3. Protecting children from the consequences of their behavior

If a child misbehaves at school and receives detention or another consequence, it's crucial not to intervene and spare the child from the outcome, unless there are concerns of discrimination. Doing so may convey to the child that they are exempt from the rules and undermine the authority of teachers and other adults responsible for their care.

4. Replacing things too quickly

When a child loses a cherished item, the natural parental response is often to quickly replace it. However, this immediate replacement may not always allow children to fully experience their sadness. Allowing children to feel these emotions can teach them resilience and the ability to cope with difficult situations.

Moreover, it's important for children to learn that they won't always get what they want right away. Providing opportunities for them to wait and be patient is essential for their development.

5. Writing off poor behavior as “kids being kids”

Children who are not exposed to sufficient limits may develop a belief that being unkind is inconsequential or, more concerning, that they are exempt from the responsibility of being kind and compassionate," Lundquist explained.

While children can sometimes act cruelly or engage in bullying behavior, it's important for them to face consequences for their actions and for support to be provided to the child who was harmed.

6. Inconsistent discipline

"When discipline is inconsistently applied to teach rules, it can create confusion about what is and isn't acceptable," Yoo explained. It can be challenging, but sticking to your boundaries and enforcing consequences consistently will benefit your children (and you!) in the long run.

When enforcing boundaries or consequences, it's important to communicate to your children that you disapprove of their behavior, not them as individuals. You love your children unconditionally, but when they misbehave, you address the behavior. This approach, according to Lundquist, helps children develop self-awareness, understanding that they are inherently valuable but can also make mistakes.

Introducing a new behavior intervention, such as a consequence or a rule, may initially be met with resistance from children. Lundquist noted that children, like everyone, dislike limits, and they may push back when limits are set or rules are enforced more strictly. Despite this pushback, parents should remain firm and understand that encountering resistance doesn't mean the limit-setting or rule enforcement is a bad idea.

On the contrary, celebrating your children's achievements doesn't lead to entitled behavior. According to Lundquist, there is no amount of praise, hugs, or high fives that will make a child spoiled. Nurturing and praise are often wrongly criticized as contributing to spoiling, but they are important for children to appreciate their own complexity and understand that they are capable of both kind and unkind actions.

Spoiling children is more about preventing them from experiencing the unpleasant parts of themselves than it is about providing too much support and celebration of their positive traits. Lundquist believes that cheering for the good aspects of children makes it easier for them to handle the difficult aspects of themselves.