When Jason Kelce, center for the
Philadelphia Eagles, announced his retirement on Monday, both he and his
brother Travis Kelce, a tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, became emotional
and teared up during the press conference. Their sincere emotional display led
to discussions about masculinity and the expression of emotions.
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| Society has long expected boys to ignore their emotional sides. Here are small ways parents can push back |
A viral tweet captured this sentiment, stating, "The parenting of Ed and Donna [Kelce] in raising emotionally available sons deserves further study."
Emotional vulnerability has often
been seen as a negative trait, especially for males. A 2018 survey found that
one-third of boys feel society expects them to hide their feelings when sad or
scared, while another third believe they're expected to be tough and "suck it up" in tough situations.
These restrictive norms can be
harmful, forcing boys to reject parts of themselves, says Emma Brown, a
Washington Post investigative reporter and author of "To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden
Struggles of American Boyhood."
Society has traditionally expected
boys to suppress their emotional, sensitive side, Brown notes. While it's not
solely the responsibility of parents to change this, they can take steps to
encourage emotional vulnerability in their sons.
Here are a few such steps for moms, dads and other caregivers to keep in mind for young sons, as well as those in their tweens and teens.
Ask institutions for help
Brown acknowledged that addressing
restrictive gender norms in institutions can feel daunting for exhausted,
time-strapped parents. However, she suggests breaking these efforts into small,
manageable steps. For example, she interviewed a young man who, as an avid
football player, was tired of the language used in the locker room.
He took the initiative to approach
his coach, who embraced the challenge of changing the locker room culture. The
coach implemented a program called Coaching Boys Into Men, an evidence-based
curriculum that uses sports to teach athletes about respect and non-violence.
This small step had a significant impact on the team's culture.
Brown highlighted the significant role coaches play in the lives of our sons, emphasizing that seeking their support can yield substantial results. While not every situation will have straightforward solutions, Brown shared this example to illustrate that requesting assistance can sometimes bring about tangible change.
Help them name their emotions
Dr. Cara Natterson, a pediatrician
and author of Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons,
suggests that one of the most beneficial things parents can do is teach their
sons to identify and name their emotions. This helps develop emotional
intelligence (EQ) from a young age, normalizing the experience of difficult
emotions.
Rather than telling children what
they're feeling, Natterson advises parents to listen actively and help them
label their emotions. Acknowledging and appreciating their expressions of
emotion is also crucial. For example, parents can say, "When you cry, it shows me you're sad, and
that helps me understand when something is upsetting you."
Beginning these conversations and practices early can establish a foundation for boys to feel comfortable sharing their emotions as they grow older.
Michael Reichert, a psychologist
and executive director of the Center for the Study of Boys' and Girls' Lives at
the University of Pennsylvania, explained that the cultural norms of
masculinity are often unseen, accepted without question, and considered normal
during boyhood. His book, "How To
Raise A Boy: The Power Of Connection To Build Good Men," explores
these themes in depth.
Unfortunately, the window for
building emotional intelligence (EQ) in children can be narrow. Dr. Cara
Natterson explained that around age 12, children often "flip a switch," no longer seeing
their caregivers as their primary source of information and connection, turning
more to peers instead. Some children may start shedding vulnerability even
earlier. This doesn't mean that developing emotional intelligence is impossible
as kids get older, but it does underscore the importance of starting early.
For parents with older sons who used to be more open about their emotions but have since become more reserved, Natterson advises acknowledging this change. Let them know that you notice and miss their previous openness. This can help them understand that there's no judgment or shame in expressing their feelings.
Deliberately carve out time for
connection
Brown emphasized the importance of
parents, especially as their children grow older, to actively create
opportunities for meaningful connection. She recounted an experience from her
book where she observed a father and his 8th-grade son, noting the warmth and
openness of their relationship.
The father established a regular routine of walking the dog around the block with his son, intentionally setting aside time for them to talk. This routine became a safe space for the son to discuss any emotional challenges he was facing. According to Brown, these walks served as a foundation for open communication about whatever was on the son's mind.
Model vulnerability yourself
It's important to demonstrate
emotional vulnerability to children while also acknowledging that vulnerability
isn't always appropriate in every situation. "As children get older," says Natterson, "if you're very stoic but expect your child
to be emotionally open with you, they'll sense the contradiction and feel
conflicted."
Some fathers, especially, may
struggle with this due to societal norms. However, Natterson has found that
many men appreciate the shift in societal expectations. "Dads are often grateful for the opportunity
to share their feelings," she said.
"We should model emotional intimacy in our relationships with our sons
and others," Brown added, "so
they have examples of what healthy emotional expression looks like."
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